Are women being forced to freeze their eggs? Eligible men are in short supply

To understand this social phenomenon, Dr Inhorn, a medical anthropologist at Yale University, embarked on a decade-long study that looked beyond the fertility clinic and into the changing dynamics of modern relationships. “We’re seeing a growing disparity between ambitious and educated women, and the availability of equally educated and committed male partners. It’s creating a demographic crisis that few are talking about,” Inhorn tells me. Her study of 150 women, later developed into a book published last year, found that many were either in relationships for several years and tried to get their partners to commit to fatherhood, or were single because they were not able to find a partner of equal educational or earning status. According to her research, at the time of freezing their eggs, 82% of the women were single at the time of freezing their eggs; meanwhile, 18% were with a partner when they went through the process, but had relationship issues and were not able to get them to commit to fatherhood.

This shift, largely overlooked when exploring social egg-freezing, points to a phenomenon Inhorn calls “the mating gap”. This refers to the disparity between men and women in terms of relational, and eventually reproductive, expectations. While the women in the study, on average in their mid to late thirties, were ready to make a commitment to a partner, settle down and have children, they found a misalignment with the men they were dating. These men weren’t interested in the responsibility that comes with committed relationships and fatherhood — they wanted to play the field and live as free agents for as long as possible.

As Inhorn notes, “there is a lack of eligible, educated and equal male partners” for college-educated women, who now outnumber men in the labour force, not just in the US, but across developed nations. This pattern of course means a substantial number of women will not find a partner with a similar educational background. And even those who found partners were not always satisfied. “While most of the women in the study were highly educated women who were not able to find a partner of equal status, some of the women were actually in relationships, and tried for several years, but couldn’t get the person ready,” Inhorn notes. “Other women were married, who had hung in there, and got to a make-or-break moment where they were like what do I do?”

Inhorn dubs these male partners the “unready men”. She frequently found that they were neither on the same timelines nor wanting the same things from dating and relationships as their female partners. Wishing for what Inhorn calls the “three P’s” — pregnancy, parenthood and partnership — the women in her study turned to egg-freezing as a last resort to these unexpected social differences.

But the mating gap isn’t just about education. Inhorn’s study also uncovered a darker shift that relates to a misalignment of values. She explains how the educated women in her study were raised on ideals of gender equality — seeking partners who are their equals and share their ambitions and values. However, she found in her research that women were dissatisfied. “Men have not been socialised in the same way with the same expectations,” Inhorn notes. According to her female interviewees, men “are less interested in being fathers in the way women want them to be”.

The women in the study spoke about the “Peter Pan” men: “They wine and dine you, act like they will settle down with you, but they are having fun in life and have no intention of being with you.” Of course, as many commentators like to highlight, the sexual revolution has changed the nature of courtship and dating — as women are liberated by contraception to engage in casual, consequence-free sex, so too are men able to have their cake and eat it.

While these social technologies, along with digital technologies like dating apps which suggest an endless supply, give men more options, the women in Inhorn’s study and beyond are stuck in a stalemate. The lack of pressure to settle down has meant that more educated women are getting to their late thirties with little choice but to preserve what they have left via egg-freezing. Here in the UK, the HFEA reports that the average age of egg-freezing is 38.

One cannot help but question whether hypergamy, the desire to form a relationship with someone of superior status, plays a role. This dating strategy is defined as women marrying up, seeking a male partner of high social status — proximity to power and wealth. And likewise, men marrying women of higher sexual status — youth and beauty. As women rise the educational and professional ranks, their social need to find a partner of higher social status doesn’t necessarily diminish, but based on these social patterns, their prospects diminish, with a smaller pool of potential partners. And likewise, the longer women focus on their social and economic independence, the longer they leave it to find a partner and, according to this theory, their sexual status diminishes.

When I asked Inhorn about the relevance of this theory, she dismissed it as  socio-biological and, thus for her, misogynistic. “Men need to stop being intimidated and to change the way they think about these things,” she explains. “And women need to expand their view of what an appropriate partner is.” While Inhorn says 90% of women did have something positive to say about it, she is defiant that egg-freezing is not a solution to these social divides, but rather simply a stop-gap.

As the gatekeepers of sex, and with more demanding fertility deadlines, it is perhaps no wonder there is so much insight into the struggles, attitudes and behaviours of female courtship. Lower in sociosexuality and cultured into coyness, it is said women court with greater caution than their male counterparts, and therefore hold greater power when making the first move. But perhaps too much emphasis has been placed on women, at the expense of the reproductive equation. As Inhorn notes, she didn’t interview any men in her study. We need more research on male reproductive aspirations — do men desire long-term partnership? If so, what are their expectations of mothers, wives and women today?

There is no doubt we are in the middle of a relationship revolution; and the growing divide between the sexes is a major cause for concern. Those on the Left wish to feminise men by encouraging them to become more emotionally expressive by engaging in therapy or by imagining a world of female breadwinners and stay-at-home Dads. But it’s uncertain whether this gender role reversal is so appealing to either sex.

While those on the Right believe women should give up some of their social and economic freedom in favour of a more traditional relationship setup, the toxic experience that some tradwives suffer helpfully reminds us of women’s fight for equity, and the need for a new co-operative and collaborative blueprint for dating, courtship and relationship formation. Rather than pitting the men and women against each other, it feels necessary for us to adopt a more pragmatic and less idealistic approach to courtship. Rather than hoping men and women are going to change to meet our needs, perhaps should accept the biological realities of both sexes and instead focus on communicating with each other to devise a strategy, together.

In the meantime, we need to ensure new reproductive technologies like egg-freezing don’t create further unintended social consequences. When the contraceptive pill was introduced in the Sixties, we couldn’t have known it was going to lead to hook-up culture and a new sexual revolution of non-committal relationships. I think we must proceed cautiously to ensure the mass adoption of egg freezing doesn’t further exacerbate these issues. Freezing time might be good for our careers — but it might not be for forming relationships.

---

Clementine Prendergast is an applied social anthropologist, with an interest in behavioural psychology. She has written for Vogue, The Times, and The Evening Standard.

@Clementine_Miss